First exact hit of my Saturn return today, just as the work day finished at 1908.
This morning I finally hanged the laundry in the morning- rare for me to do actual housework in the morning. Granted, of course, I was completely out of pants to wear to work, but I'm pleased with myself all the same. To top it off it was raining, so I had to hang it in the room and hope it was dry enough to wear by the time I left. Of course it wasn't, but I dealt with it. Tomorrow should be nice so I hope to do another load in the morning. I also hope to take out the recycling for the first time in at least a month or two. The propane cans have really piled up.
Today was pretty manageable. I can't say work was easy or that I was always pleasant- of course not. I got angry, I yelled, all the usual level of snapping and yelling at kids. I know I could have been easier on them, or found a different approach. My frustration gets the best of me. Patience is a virtue I've never come close to mastering. I want to be better. I think my students would learn better, too.
☽II 0304
☽☌♇ 0433
☽□♂ 0511
☽□♅ 1044
☽□♃ 1224
☽VOC 1224 - 2017.02.24 0217
☽□☿ 1809
♄☌♄ 1908
☿△☿ 2054
**Personal transits are in blue**
Thursday, February 23, 2017
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
2017.02.22
I spent all day very irritable, especially towards my students. I felt at a hands-in-the-air loss telling M.J. to sit down for the nth time. I was ripping out my hair telling Y.T. to read the instructions and grammar explanation before attempting a page in his workbook. Lord help me the TWO (2) times I told C.O. that I'd already explained something once, and she should have listened the first time. I got in Kenji's car very tired and hungry.
There was a point in the day where I wistfully imagined telling W.M., years from now, that she was a big crybaby, and even cried if she so much as couldn't finish her lunch on time. There's certainly an appeal to being able to say that I'd been with these kids for X number of years, since they were in diapers, all the way to graduating elementary school. It's appealing. The day-to-day on this job, however, is murder.
Every day I want to call up some kids' parents and force them to explain what they'd done wrong that day to solicit the call. Make L.T. tell his mother that he spent print time pretending he didn't understand the difference between "I" and "it". I will never be able to do this. If I were an independent tutor, on the other hand, I very well could, and in Japanese to boot.
The thing stopping me from being an independent, freelance tutor is my work visa. The way around that is marriage. The thing stopping me from getting married tomorrow is Kenji, I suppose. I'd said that he should get a new job before we get married, but in reality it's not actually a prerequisite. It'd be nice, though. I picked out a really nice election date (2020.02.02), but it feels too far away. I won't want to wait that long. I told Kenji and he doesn't want to wait that long.
If he doesn't want to wait until 2020, and he doesn't want to do it this weekend, I guess the one thing he's waiting for is a new job. He hasn't really been looking lately. I wonder what it is that'll light the fire under his butt and get him going. I already told him that if it's a good enough job to support both of us, I don't care if it's in Chiba or Kantou or even Honshuu. He just hasn't been looking lately. I wonder if / when he'll start.
After a quick search, he'll start going through his Saturn Return on his birthday this year. We'll see how that goes... And by we'll see, I mean I'm going to be fussing over his charts almost as much as mine for the next few days.
☿△♃ 0308
☽□♂ 0457
☽☌♆ 0645
☽⚹♇ 1336
☽□♀ 1407
☽⚹♆ 1435
♂□♇ 1756
☽□MC 2035
**Personal transits are in blue**
There was a point in the day where I wistfully imagined telling W.M., years from now, that she was a big crybaby, and even cried if she so much as couldn't finish her lunch on time. There's certainly an appeal to being able to say that I'd been with these kids for X number of years, since they were in diapers, all the way to graduating elementary school. It's appealing. The day-to-day on this job, however, is murder.
Every day I want to call up some kids' parents and force them to explain what they'd done wrong that day to solicit the call. Make L.T. tell his mother that he spent print time pretending he didn't understand the difference between "I" and "it". I will never be able to do this. If I were an independent tutor, on the other hand, I very well could, and in Japanese to boot.
The thing stopping me from being an independent, freelance tutor is my work visa. The way around that is marriage. The thing stopping me from getting married tomorrow is Kenji, I suppose. I'd said that he should get a new job before we get married, but in reality it's not actually a prerequisite. It'd be nice, though. I picked out a really nice election date (2020.02.02), but it feels too far away. I won't want to wait that long. I told Kenji and he doesn't want to wait that long.
If he doesn't want to wait until 2020, and he doesn't want to do it this weekend, I guess the one thing he's waiting for is a new job. He hasn't really been looking lately. I wonder what it is that'll light the fire under his butt and get him going. I already told him that if it's a good enough job to support both of us, I don't care if it's in Chiba or Kantou or even Honshuu. He just hasn't been looking lately. I wonder if / when he'll start.
After a quick search, he'll start going through his Saturn Return on his birthday this year. We'll see how that goes... And by we'll see, I mean I'm going to be fussing over his charts almost as much as mine for the next few days.
☿△♃ 0308
☽□♂ 0457
☽☌♆ 0645
☽⚹♇ 1336
☽□♀ 1407
☽⚹♆ 1435
♂□♇ 1756
☽□MC 2035
**Personal transits are in blue**
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
2017.02.21
Back to the regular work schedule today.
Watching an episode of House tonight, the one with Laura Prepon who is a quasi-vegan superblogger. At one point she's given a diagnosis that give her a year to live and she just kinds of swallows it. The team takes her empathy as a potential symptom, the episode progresses. Later on, once they have no leads, they give her 3-4 days to live, and it actually hits her, hard. She's crumpled onto her boyfriend and crying. It made me think.
I'd always imagined getting this kind of news and feeling relieved. The next few days would be rough, but at the end of it I'd be able to just let go- just no more anything. This woman was emotionally destroyed by the thought. I have to come out and explain that, yes, I've been suicidal. The thought still follows me around a lot, but it's been officially crossed off my list of viable options since surviving my mother's suicide.
Seeing her so distraught made me try to imagine what I could want to hang onto in life so hard that I might react similarly. She had a boyfriend she loved, presumably a family. I know that one day I will die on the people I love, so this didn't really phase me as much. I then considered that she'd been on the fence about having children, and that this would take that future away. Then I realized in myself that THAT is what would make me afraid to die, to want to cling onto life as hard as I could. I want to have kids, and one thing that I can't stand to imagine is dying while they're young.
This lead me to decide that not only do I want to have kids, but I want to raise them to adulthood, in health. Both of these things obviously preclude smoking, something I've once again been wanting to quit more and more lately. It's difficult to go on the patch because it comes off within a few hours of work. I'm thinking of going to the doctor to see what pills are available, but knowing me I'll do lots of heavy research beforehand, in Japanese even.
☽⚹♃ 0148
☉☌☽ 0614
☽⚹☿ 0735
☽☌♄ 0835
☽☌♄ 0857
☽☌♅ 1031
♂△♀ 1333
☽♐→♑ 1608
☽□☉ 1757
☽⚹☽ 2055
☽⚹☉ 2215
Watching an episode of House tonight, the one with Laura Prepon who is a quasi-vegan superblogger. At one point she's given a diagnosis that give her a year to live and she just kinds of swallows it. The team takes her empathy as a potential symptom, the episode progresses. Later on, once they have no leads, they give her 3-4 days to live, and it actually hits her, hard. She's crumpled onto her boyfriend and crying. It made me think.
I'd always imagined getting this kind of news and feeling relieved. The next few days would be rough, but at the end of it I'd be able to just let go- just no more anything. This woman was emotionally destroyed by the thought. I have to come out and explain that, yes, I've been suicidal. The thought still follows me around a lot, but it's been officially crossed off my list of viable options since surviving my mother's suicide.
Seeing her so distraught made me try to imagine what I could want to hang onto in life so hard that I might react similarly. She had a boyfriend she loved, presumably a family. I know that one day I will die on the people I love, so this didn't really phase me as much. I then considered that she'd been on the fence about having children, and that this would take that future away. Then I realized in myself that THAT is what would make me afraid to die, to want to cling onto life as hard as I could. I want to have kids, and one thing that I can't stand to imagine is dying while they're young.
This lead me to decide that not only do I want to have kids, but I want to raise them to adulthood, in health. Both of these things obviously preclude smoking, something I've once again been wanting to quit more and more lately. It's difficult to go on the patch because it comes off within a few hours of work. I'm thinking of going to the doctor to see what pills are available, but knowing me I'll do lots of heavy research beforehand, in Japanese even.
☽⚹♃ 0148
☉☌☽ 0614
☽⚹☿ 0735
☽☌♄ 0835
☽☌♄ 0857
☽☌♅ 1031
♂△♀ 1333
☽♐→♑ 1608
☽□☉ 1757
☽⚹☽ 2055
☽⚹☉ 2215
Monday, February 20, 2017
2017.02.20
Today was Mommy Duck, in the Fukutaro Arena. Everything went fine, really, no big mistakes. In the downtime with other employees I found myself trying to stfu, knowing that all I ever want to do is add a joke that no one enjoys or even gets. I still embarrassed myself with a few.
I wanted to clean when I got home, but it's now 6pm and nothing in this room or the kitchen has changed. I'd hoped that when Kenji said he's on his way home it'd light a fire under my butt. I also really need to do laundry but it's raining, so I'll have to hang it inside and just hope it's not too wet tomorrow morning. Even if I'd wanted to do it earlier, it was too windy- like REALLY windy today. I also noticed that it's the first rain of Pisces season. I might collect rain water; the only question is whether I'll properly label it so I know what the hell it is (as opposed to all the other rain water I've collected at ??? some time).
Kenji messaged me from work asking me to make dinner, which never happens. I was worried he wasn't able to do it, he was sick, or running super late. Turns out he just wanted me to cook it for the sake of eating food Id cooked. I made the most bland mixture of chicken breast, onion and eringi I could come up with. He finally popped the bottle of champagne that was giving us so much trouble before, and we both just sat on our respective laptops doing our thing.
I really do enjoy that, though. It may seem that despite being in the same room, we're both in our own worlds, separated from each other emotionally or mentally. Really, though, it's better. We both get to do what we want, both get the satisfaction of knowing that the other is doing what they want, and still have the other person available for random commentary or communication. Is this a millennial thing? I remember seeing a webcomic ages ago of a live-in couple, where one person was working in an office-like room on their computer, and the other simply asked to read in that room. It was sweet.
I wanted to clean when I got home, but it's now 6pm and nothing in this room or the kitchen has changed. I'd hoped that when Kenji said he's on his way home it'd light a fire under my butt. I also really need to do laundry but it's raining, so I'll have to hang it inside and just hope it's not too wet tomorrow morning. Even if I'd wanted to do it earlier, it was too windy- like REALLY windy today. I also noticed that it's the first rain of Pisces season. I might collect rain water; the only question is whether I'll properly label it so I know what the hell it is (as opposed to all the other rain water I've collected at ??? some time).
Kenji messaged me from work asking me to make dinner, which never happens. I was worried he wasn't able to do it, he was sick, or running super late. Turns out he just wanted me to cook it for the sake of eating food Id cooked. I made the most bland mixture of chicken breast, onion and eringi I could come up with. He finally popped the bottle of champagne that was giving us so much trouble before, and we both just sat on our respective laptops doing our thing.
I really do enjoy that, though. It may seem that despite being in the same room, we're both in our own worlds, separated from each other emotionally or mentally. Really, though, it's better. We both get to do what we want, both get the satisfaction of knowing that the other is doing what they want, and still have the other person available for random commentary or communication. Is this a millennial thing? I remember seeing a webcomic ages ago of a live-in couple, where one person was working in an office-like room on their computer, and the other simply asked to read in that room. It was sweet.
☽□♆ 0243
☽⚹MC 0910
☽△♂ 1413
☽△♀ 1341
☽⚹☿ 2131
☽I☌AC 2151
☽△♅ 2339
☿⚹AC 2354
**Personal transits are in blue**
Sunday, February 19, 2017
2017.02.19
Today was spent largely at home. We decided to go to Papageno, because I'd been in the mood to go for a while. We hung up some laundry and went out. After coming home we put on the hookah and watched whatever would buffer- The Night Manager, Timeless, and when all else failed, House.
I took a long nap in the evening (1600~2000) and dreamt about Trump. Of course it wasn't his face, and probably not even his name- but I knew it was him. He was being lynched by the big businessmen / politicians that put him in this stooge position. He didn't feel pain, whatsoever, and just kept talking and laughing like they were just kidding with what they were doing to him. I just realized they ran him through barbed wire from a fence, idk, like the one at the Mexican border or sth idk.
The dream was interrupted by an earthquake, centered somewhere in eastern Chiba. It wasn't all that bad, just a good solid shake for a few seconds. Only one bottle jumped off the bookshelf.
Later on we went to Landrome to pick up sushi and stuff for tomorrow night's dinner. I found myself upset with myself when, as Kenji was eating, the sound of his chewing disgusted me and I couldn't help but say something- What the heck are you eating that's so loud? I immediately regretted it, apologized, and made a show of it when I ate the same thing to say- Ah, there's cucumber, that's why it's noisy. I remembered that one morning at Lauren's apartment in Chicago, when I had to drive Brad home to Milwaukee but wanted to be back in Chicago by 1600 to see X Japan. We were sittin gin the living room and he was just munching on this pizza, cold, from the night before, as slowly and loudly as possible.
I finally gave in and came to bed with Kenji around 2330. I laid there trying to get comfortable and fall asleep for a little while before I decided to fool around with him. We had some sex, and he fell asleep before me.
When I want to sleep I deliberately try to dream, if that makes sense. I think back to high school Psych class with Riccardi and envision clowns and refrigerators and whatever else randomly pops in my head. I try to imagine what it was like when I would smoke weed, the feeling of my body sinking through the floor and into the ocean. It can be tricky, though. I often make the folly of grabbing onto one random image and imagining a scenario, what I would say, all that. It's fun to fantasize but the complex thought processes keep me awake.
☽VOC 2017-02-18 0438 - 2017-02-20 0352
☽♐ 0352
☿☍♀ 0326
☽□☉0433
☽⚹☉ 0547
☽XII 0742
☽□☽ 0848
☽☍♃ 1615
☽△♂ 1702
☽△♀ 2017.02.20 0020
**Personal transits are in blue**
I took a long nap in the evening (1600~2000) and dreamt about Trump. Of course it wasn't his face, and probably not even his name- but I knew it was him. He was being lynched by the big businessmen / politicians that put him in this stooge position. He didn't feel pain, whatsoever, and just kept talking and laughing like they were just kidding with what they were doing to him. I just realized they ran him through barbed wire from a fence, idk, like the one at the Mexican border or sth idk.
The dream was interrupted by an earthquake, centered somewhere in eastern Chiba. It wasn't all that bad, just a good solid shake for a few seconds. Only one bottle jumped off the bookshelf.
Later on we went to Landrome to pick up sushi and stuff for tomorrow night's dinner. I found myself upset with myself when, as Kenji was eating, the sound of his chewing disgusted me and I couldn't help but say something- What the heck are you eating that's so loud? I immediately regretted it, apologized, and made a show of it when I ate the same thing to say- Ah, there's cucumber, that's why it's noisy. I remembered that one morning at Lauren's apartment in Chicago, when I had to drive Brad home to Milwaukee but wanted to be back in Chicago by 1600 to see X Japan. We were sittin gin the living room and he was just munching on this pizza, cold, from the night before, as slowly and loudly as possible.
I finally gave in and came to bed with Kenji around 2330. I laid there trying to get comfortable and fall asleep for a little while before I decided to fool around with him. We had some sex, and he fell asleep before me.
When I want to sleep I deliberately try to dream, if that makes sense. I think back to high school Psych class with Riccardi and envision clowns and refrigerators and whatever else randomly pops in my head. I try to imagine what it was like when I would smoke weed, the feeling of my body sinking through the floor and into the ocean. It can be tricky, though. I often make the folly of grabbing onto one random image and imagining a scenario, what I would say, all that. It's fun to fantasize but the complex thought processes keep me awake.
☽VOC 2017-02-18 0438 - 2017-02-20 0352
☽♐ 0352
☿☍♀ 0326
☽□☉0433
☽⚹☉ 0547
☽XII 0742
☽□☽ 0848
☽☍♃ 1615
☽△♂ 1702
☽△♀ 2017.02.20 0020
**Personal transits are in blue**
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