Back to the regular work schedule today.
Watching an episode of House tonight, the one with Laura Prepon who is a quasi-vegan superblogger. At one point she's given a diagnosis that give her a year to live and she just kinds of swallows it. The team takes her empathy as a potential symptom, the episode progresses. Later on, once they have no leads, they give her 3-4 days to live, and it actually hits her, hard. She's crumpled onto her boyfriend and crying. It made me think.
I'd always imagined getting this kind of news and feeling relieved. The next few days would be rough, but at the end of it I'd be able to just let go- just no more anything. This woman was emotionally destroyed by the thought. I have to come out and explain that, yes, I've been suicidal. The thought still follows me around a lot, but it's been officially crossed off my list of viable options since surviving my mother's suicide.
Seeing her so distraught made me try to imagine what I could want to hang onto in life so hard that I might react similarly. She had a boyfriend she loved, presumably a family. I know that one day I will die on the people I love, so this didn't really phase me as much. I then considered that she'd been on the fence about having children, and that this would take that future away. Then I realized in myself that THAT is what would make me afraid to die, to want to cling onto life as hard as I could. I want to have kids, and one thing that I can't stand to imagine is dying while they're young.
This lead me to decide that not only do I want to have kids, but I want to raise them to adulthood, in health. Both of these things obviously preclude smoking, something I've once again been wanting to quit more and more lately. It's difficult to go on the patch because it comes off within a few hours of work. I'm thinking of going to the doctor to see what pills are available, but knowing me I'll do lots of heavy research beforehand, in Japanese even.
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